Journal
This is where I talk...
This is where I talk...
January 1, 2026
Happy new year! I am going to be honest. I do not care for the new year every time it comes. It doesn't really feel significant to me, my brain likes to treat it like uhhh day however many of being alive. Doesn't mean much. Especially because the past year sucked really bad I've felt more or less jaded and angry with this part of my life. but I'm trying really hard to push towards better things, so there's that. I'm really tired but I'd like to remain hopeful. I got acrylic gouache and pens and a bunch of art books for Christmas, I'll be doing fun stuff with those.
I'm trying to sort my living situation in my head. at present I live with my family, with someone in the house that I feel very uncomfortable around for various reasons. lack of respect of my identity and my boundaries and such things. one of the people I was previously living with did something pretty significantly hurtful to me and others, so I'm not really cool with that anymore either. sucks! I'll figure it out.
December 11, 2025
Oh god, my journal is back. I would put one up in the past and then delete it because of paranoia, not keeping up with it, etc. In the coming year I'd like to try to keep it up the whole year and just see how it goes. Whatever thought I could possibly have IN HERE. AGH.
I have not been active here, or anywhere, for the past few months! This is because I got? ill? Some sort of health issue. I won't get very into it here, but I was very tired and very frightened. I'm doing much better now though! Keeping things moving forward as best as I can. but part of this whole thing involved my HRT exacerbating the issue. so I quit taking testosterone abruptly last month. I'm in hormone fluctuation world. Physically it's not that bad but mentally it's kind of like having 10 bombs in you. and it's winter! I actually really love winter but my brain loves to choose it as the time to just like explode for no reason.
I feel trapped, is the best way to put it, right now. Trapped in my home and trapped in my everywhere and my everything. My brain has the strongest itch to just uproot all of it, just really want to be literally anywhere else. I want to go out into an open field and scream a lot, but I don't know how to scream. I used to! and then I forgot.
It's very strange because I've lived in the same house my whole life and done the same things for forever and suddenly all of it feels like it's driving me CRAZYYYY. I think it's the being ill, maybe. Feeling unsafe in the body and so nothing else feels safe either. It's jarring. I'm trying to find a therapist at the moment that'll probably help me feel less insane. My dad keeps mentioning I would benefit from having a cat. He words it something like "it'd be good to have a little creature to hang out with." We have a dog that's very reactive though, so it can't happen here. My favorite cats are hairless ones, I love how they look they always have such sweet eyeballs aauuu.
I don't know what else to say here...I'm working on a personal project. It's a story that's very important to me. I will probably share a lot of little pieces of it here and there online for a while, NOT LIKE. THE WHOLE STORY. I'm cooking it right now. but pieces, illustrations, ideas, sometimes :)
Happy new year! I am going to be honest. I do not care for the new year every time it comes. It doesn't really feel significant to me, my brain likes to treat it like uhhh day however many of being alive. Doesn't mean much. Especially because the past year sucked really bad I've felt more or less jaded and angry with this part of my life. but I'm trying really hard to push towards better things, so there's that. I'm really tired but I'd like to remain hopeful. I got acrylic gouache and pens and a bunch of art books for Christmas, I'll be doing fun stuff with those.
I'm trying to sort my living situation in my head. at present I live with my family, with someone in the house that I feel very uncomfortable around for various reasons. lack of respect of my identity and my boundaries and such things. one of the people I was previously living with did something pretty significantly hurtful to me and others, so I'm not really cool with that anymore either. sucks! I'll figure it out.
December 11, 2025
Oh god, my journal is back. I would put one up in the past and then delete it because of paranoia, not keeping up with it, etc. In the coming year I'd like to try to keep it up the whole year and just see how it goes. Whatever thought I could possibly have IN HERE. AGH.
I have not been active here, or anywhere, for the past few months! This is because I got? ill? Some sort of health issue. I won't get very into it here, but I was very tired and very frightened. I'm doing much better now though! Keeping things moving forward as best as I can. but part of this whole thing involved my HRT exacerbating the issue. so I quit taking testosterone abruptly last month. I'm in hormone fluctuation world. Physically it's not that bad but mentally it's kind of like having 10 bombs in you. and it's winter! I actually really love winter but my brain loves to choose it as the time to just like explode for no reason.
I feel trapped, is the best way to put it, right now. Trapped in my home and trapped in my everywhere and my everything. My brain has the strongest itch to just uproot all of it, just really want to be literally anywhere else. I want to go out into an open field and scream a lot, but I don't know how to scream. I used to! and then I forgot.
It's very strange because I've lived in the same house my whole life and done the same things for forever and suddenly all of it feels like it's driving me CRAZYYYY. I think it's the being ill, maybe. Feeling unsafe in the body and so nothing else feels safe either. It's jarring. I'm trying to find a therapist at the moment that'll probably help me feel less insane. My dad keeps mentioning I would benefit from having a cat. He words it something like "it'd be good to have a little creature to hang out with." We have a dog that's very reactive though, so it can't happen here. My favorite cats are hairless ones, I love how they look they always have such sweet eyeballs aauuu.
I don't know what else to say here...I'm working on a personal project. It's a story that's very important to me. I will probably share a lot of little pieces of it here and there online for a while, NOT LIKE. THE WHOLE STORY. I'm cooking it right now. but pieces, illustrations, ideas, sometimes :)
