I write about my gay life in here.
5/24/26: HELLO things about this journal and our about page are going to end up subject to some changes, visually here some other things over there because the host of our system split recently LOL!! he wasn't handling our current circumstances very well. I've been describing myself as the sequel to him. A lot of things are kinda muddy for me mentally but I like Sonic, and I'm very interested in video effects and 3D art alongside illustrating. It's kind of annoying I know at my old house I still have stuff to move out of there's a whole brick of modeling clay in there and it could be all hardened and fucked up by now but it might not be...and I want to use it...but I have to wait to be driven back down in the next month. SOON. I'm going to redesign this page later, it was always supposed to be but now the images on it are glaringly unlike me (except the shadow image. I like that picture).
5/11/26 (I just vent about transphobia in this one): someone who's been using one of my chosen names in front of me for years now deadnamed me in the other room recently, and then almost did it again in front of me only to switch last minute by just saying he calls me "the name." WHAT IS THIS LOL. is my name but a shameful curse that shan't be uttered... it's just so interesting. and laughable. just straight up intrinsically treating your kid as less than who they really are for years and years and over and over and over and acting like you aren't hiding them and diminishing the fuck out of them. like WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGG it cannot be easier to drag a stupid false idea around than it is to actually consider being? respectful?? of someone else??? and you can try to explain!! over and over!! that it actually matters a lot!! it's you as a person!! but they just don'ttt want to fucking hear it the FUCKINGG moment they feel like it's too complicated for them to think about they give up because they don't actually care about understanding or respecting the person they say they love sooo much they just want to keep tossing you around and if you decide to do anything for yourself that you like they tell you it's wrong and it's weird and nobody's going to love you that way and then keep acting like they're sooo nice like SURE. yeah tell me you love me sooo much while you treat me like everything about me as a person is shameful and unreasonable and worthless I'll believe it I'm sure. Fucking totally. I hate being so angry lol. idk feels bad writing stuff that sucks but everything in my real life right now is just like, boring and frustrating and sucks lol. I'm trying to find fun things to do though. My projects, but also stuff I think to do just on a whim, like mashups lmao.
5/3/26: I have been trying to do new things with my voice!!! it became very quiet and monotonous around middle school after some things happened, and I forgot how to yell and sing and everything. I've been trying to relearn it all when I can. I can only do it when there's nobody in the house except for me, because the walls are thin and I don't want anyone here to hear it, so I can't do it often. but I have done some things with my voice that I didn't think I could ever do again so I think I'm pleased with it so far :) I want to learn how to growl, and I want to train my voice to go lower. I can't practice yelling, but eventually maybe I could do it.
4/22/26: My friends are so fucking cool and funny WEEEEEEE I emulated Tomodachi Life the other day, it's me and the people in my brain and Sonic right now LOL!! I really like how my mii self looks, I think I'll make my fursona too later. I have to make Shadow too, my friend told me too and it only makes sense...
4/19/26: I've come to realize how held back I am from doing any of the things I love while I'm here because I'm so paranoid about my space being invaded and being questioned and judged for any of it. I'm waiting to get back my hot glue gun and my sewing kit so I can make myself a tail and a dog mask, but I almost just changed my mind because I wouldn't be able to hide it. I don't dress how I want to because attention gets drawn to it every time, and my like for feminine clothing is used as vindication for my mother's belief that I'm not really trans. I don't decorate my room how I want to because I'm kind of always of the mindset that soon enough I'll tear it all down and bring it with me somewhere else. I live here but I don't live here. It's stupid, I dunno. When I get my supplies back, I want to sew spikes onto my clothing. I want to be untouchable.
4/15/26: Went to the city and stayed with friends for a couple days. I was nervous and there's some things I need to figure out before I can go stay for longer, but it was great! I am so much happier and feel so much more alive when I'm with them, I'm very grateful to have them in my life. Now I'm back home and the brain is back to being more of a mess, but we're trying.
