I write about my gay life in here.
be aware I may discuss mature/sensitive topics.
7/18/26: I went back to being Covid conscious last year after educating myself on the importance of it, for both myself and others. I am seen by family as paranoid for doing this. I once thought of my family as very knowledgable and trustworthy, because I was very young with very little life experience. I learn over and over in recent years that this is not the case, and actually continuing to trust them would be more of a danger if anything. I wear masks in my own home sometimes, which I know is considered a bit much, but if the goal is to minimize risk of illness in public spaces and the people you live with make no effort to not contribute to that risk, it feels logical and reasonable to me.
Learning I can't trust people I am in many ways reliant on is very troublesome as someone with my very specific mental disabilities. Attributed to being autistic, I often have very poor judgement. It is very hard for me to tell when I am in danger and when I am not. I've been told I have like no survival instinct, a hawk could easily pick me up and carry me away. That's a joke of course, but it's not far off. I am trying my best to learn what to watch out for in basically any situation ever, namely cooking and cleaning at the moment, but I know mistakes are likely.
The most aggravating thing really is that I try to extend my knowledge to them, mainly my mother, but she fucking hates listening to me about anything ever I think. I can send an article on something, with plenty of sources, research documents I read because not only are they informative but interesting as well, and she will not care. In relation to Covid, I know it's a very traumatizing event for the majority of people, and minimizing the damage it causes is a response to that trauma (a faulty and very dangerous one, but one nonetheless). It saddens me when I see people so insistent that they are okay, that everything's okay now, that people who still care are in the wrong somehow.
But anyway, I had to get rid of clothes I really liked because they were very old and I wore them over and over. Oil and detergent can build up over time regardless of standard washing and create a smell that sucks. I couldn't tolerate it and I don't have the right things to clean it out. My clothes that remain are fine, but my sheets are awful now too, they are older than the clothes I had to get rid of. I've asked my mom if I can buy replace them with brand new, or if she had any good cleaning advice, and I was told to mask the smell with fabric softener. I do not want to do this, because that wouldn't be genuinely cleaning them and I also hate the smell of fabric softener too and how it feels on clothing. I can feel the weird coating on fabric, it sickens me. I don't want the fabric I wear or sleep on to smell particularly good or bad, I like when it smells like nothing. By default, I have a fairly weak sense of smell, so if I am able to notice one, it is quickly very overwhelming for me. I am struggling to sleep in my bed because I really really don't like it and my replacement sheets and things are equally old. I want to fix it and go to bed.

7/16/26: Hello, things have been hard as of late. I have moments where I feel motivated to get up, and do more, and be better, and then circumstances prevent me from getting very far, and it feels like I'm just going to keep getting ripped apart over and over before I reach anything good. Not all hope is lost, I try to push myself back up over and over, but I feel like I need to keep waiting and waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting for things I can't change to just do so anyway. I feel like I'm going to get lost in everything that hurts. There's only so much I can do.
My house is full of people I feel I can't trust for a lot of reasons. I do not like being around them because sometimes it's scary and sometimes it hurts. I cannot do anything about this right now. I am only able to disregard it for so long before another part of me gets angry and frightened. Life goes on because my friends are real and they are kind, and they let me feel real. They tell me I don't deserve the things that happen here, which I do kind of believe, but I also can't help but feel that I'm just being really really stupid. But logically that's what happens when you share a home with people that think you're stupid I think. I hate it. I'm trying to study on my own time because I don't want it to be true. I hate feeling like they're right and my brain doesn't work. I want it to work. They're going to keep treating me like I'm stupid anyway.
I love my friends so much and I want to keep being with them. We talk about living together sometimes, in the future. It makes me feel a lot of different feelings, I couldn't name them if asked (although happy is one), but it always makes me want to cry really hard. Thinking about how much I want it makes my heart feel like it's being pulled out of me. I love them so much. I feel very selfish. Very very selfish and stupid.
There are things that are happening that are good. I'll talk about them later...two of them I can't share until they are finished...

June 20266/27/26: hi I'm going to change a lot of how this site looks again I think. I don't like it right now lol. Good things have happened recently, I got ice cream with my friends and then later on I went to the beach with my friends for a day. It was really nice, I had a lot of fun. There wasn't really anyone at the beach just us 3, and we were just walking around in the water and talking and I really liked it. I'm back home and I just got kicked in the head with like ultra depression I dunno. I feel fucked up. But Deltarune chapter 5 came out and my friend streamed it for me (I have Deltarune I just don't feel like playing to get caught up myself yet..), I've seen mixed opinions but I thought it was really good? I thought it was fun and charming...but anyways yeah I haven't had the energy to draw which is frustrating but I want something to do with my hands..coding will suffice if I can...

6/6/26: I moved all my stuff out of the house I was staying in for college so I have all my art supplies again YES. I also have plans to see friends I haven't in a while later this month I am very excited for it yesss. I'm continuing with projects and things as usual, it's nice. Home is still frustrating at times. It's such a cynical and boring environment. I feel kind of guilty to say things are easier when my mom isn't around but that's also like, duh, that's time I have away from the one person that consistently makes me feel bad about myself lol. Having my own space the way I did the first year at that school was so nice, it was bigger and everyone I lived with was so kind and respectful of me, living with my friends was so much fun. A lot of my overall goals at the moment center around getting back to them. Maybe not in that same place, but somewhere else that's nice and not with everything so fucking far away all the time LOLLL


May 20265/24/26: HELLO things about this journal and our about page are going to end up subject to some changes, visually here some other things over there because the host of our system split recently LOL!! he wasn't handling our current circumstances very well. I've been describing myself as the sequel to him. A lot of things are kinda muddy for me mentally but I like Sonic, and I'm very interested in video effects and 3D art alongside illustrating. It's kind of annoying I know at my old house I still have stuff to move out of there's a whole brick of modeling clay in there and it could be all hardened and fucked up by now but it might not be...and I want to use it...but I have to wait to be driven back down in the next month. SOON. I'm going to redesign this page later, it was always supposed to be but now the images on it are glaringly unlike me (except the shadow image. I like that picture).

5/11/26 (I just vent about transphobia in this one): someone who's been using one of my chosen names in front of me for years now deadnamed me in the other room recently, and then almost did it again in front of me only to switch last minute by just saying he calls me "the name." WHAT IS THIS LOL. is my name but a shameful curse that shan't be uttered... it's just so interesting. and laughable. just straight up intrinsically treating your kid as less than who they really are for years and years and over and over and over and acting like you aren't hiding them and diminishing the fuck out of them. like WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGG this is mostly about someone different from him that I also live with but it cannot be easier to drag a stupid false idea around than it is to actually consider being? respectful?? of someone else??? and you can try to explain!! over and over!! that it actually matters a lot!! it's you as a person!! but they just don'ttt want to fucking hear it the FUCKINGG moment they feel like it's too complicated for them to think about they give up because they don't actually care about understanding or respecting the person they say they love sooo much they just want to keep tossing you around and if you decide to do anything for yourself that you like they tell you it's wrong and it's weird and nobody's going to love you that way and then keep acting like they're sooo nice like SURE. yeah tell me you love me sooo much while you treat me like everything about me as a person is shameful and unreasonable and worthless I'll believe it I'm sure. Fucking totally. I hate being so angry lol. idk feels bad writing stuff that sucks but everything in my real life right now is just like, boring and frustrating and sucks lol. I'm trying to find fun things to do though. My projects, but also stuff I think to do just on a whim, like mashups lmao.

5/3/26: I have been trying to do new things with my voice!!! it became very quiet and monotonous around middle school after some things happened, and I forgot how to yell and sing and everything. I've been trying to relearn it all when I can. I can only do it when there's nobody in the house except for me, because the walls are thin and I don't want anyone here to hear it, so I can't do it often. but I have done some things with my voice that I didn't think I could ever do again so I think I'm pleased with it so far :) I want to learn how to growl, and I want to train my voice to go lower. I can't practice yelling, but eventually maybe I could do it.


April 20264/22/26: My friends are so fucking cool and funny WEEEEEEE I emulated Tomodachi Life the other day, it's me and the people in my brain and Sonic right now LOL!! I really like how my mii self looks, I think I'll make my fursona too later. I have to make Shadow too, my friend told me too and it only makes sense...

4/19/26: I've come to realize how held back I am from doing any of the things I love while I'm here because I'm so paranoid about my space being invaded and being questioned and judged for any of it. I'm waiting to get back my hot glue gun and my sewing kit so I can make myself a tail and a dog mask, but I almost just changed my mind because I wouldn't be able to hide it. I don't dress how I want to because attention gets drawn to it every time, and my like for feminine clothing is used as vindication for my mother's belief that I'm not really trans. I don't decorate my room how I want to because I'm kind of always of the mindset that soon enough I'll tear it all down and bring it with me somewhere else. I live here but I don't live here. It's stupid, I dunno. When I get my supplies back, I want to sew spikes onto my clothing. I want to be untouchable.

4/15/26: Went to the city and stayed with friends for a couple days. I was nervous and there's some things I need to figure out before I can go stay for longer, but it was great! I am so much happier and feel so much more alive when I'm with them, I'm very grateful to have them in my life. Now I'm back home and the brain is back to being more of a mess, but we're trying.